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Hurmm .. its been quite some time since I wrote something as bizarre as this or just something to write so to speak. And again as before the dire states of my mind, my life, my sole and my being have led me to start tap tapping on the keyboard. As I write my being is ..frail not like the half-dead, miserable and swollen eyes kinda frail dramatized in the movies and what not, I’m talking about my soul..revaged by my internal struggle to tame myself, to become in peace with everyone on this planet and its way of life basically to discipline myself ah heres where this tragedy starts..

It's like has taken me all my life to try to discipline myself , wait a weeks maybe not..but that’s another debate for now I want to tell you ..how I miss her..

Let me tell you a bit about myself, I'm a person who doesn't get along with people much, I don’t make friends a lot i guess but the few I have I don’t let go no matter what.. I like being in my room for hours by myself nowadays not because I detest anyone just that I rather be alone. My mind my feelings for now they are of great importance to me and so I think shouldn’t be shared with anyone who will not understand them... I’ve never felt lost like this before,not this kind of lost, there have been flings but they don’t count for anything. Having this kind of lost was not another step in my life which i agree anyone would rather to have, but as always just a normal event that eventually became a significant step, thing is I do not like is grieving, I grow to accept them and thus in this confusing state I entered my average life...

Moving on....(as everyone said to me "come on pejo, move on,move on...")

But the thing is...I just wish it was different...wish it was so,so different...different i meant the way i think of her...in my heart I felt likes she was there...Stood somewhere and watching over me... These days I’ve came so close to calling her, sending a simple text message perhaps, a few words, just say ‘hi mak',"assalamualaikum mak!" I don’t care if it would be replies or not, just say something to her phone is like i would feel- knowing she will read it and think about me in which ever manner hate or sympathy or pity or or love ( I dare not say what you guys think) and that bond that is forever lost will flicker for a fraction of a second before dieing again...I dare not do so for I fear it will only hurt us more (or some of you guys would call me insane!)...

Essentially a loner..am i?