Again and again...

I think about it every day
Wondering what happens when we die
If we stay on earth with our loved ones,
Or if we just sit next to them and cry
It is a curious question that I ask myself
Will I ever see her?
Will I ever get to hold her hand?
Are things just going to pick up where they
Left off,
Or is it just going to be the end
Do we go into a world of our own making?
Where things aren’t as they seem,
Or do we go with our families,
And start all over again
It is a question that can’t be answered,
And only can be thought of
Is their life after death?
Do the answers lie above?
There are so many questions
In so many ways
Which road do I take?
And can she hear me when I pray
Can she really be a star?
That glistens in the night
Or is that just a myth
To make you feel alright
I don’t understand
How to communicate
I have tried in so many ways
But I just can’t wait
I want to talk to her and see her
So badly that it hurts
I want to hug and kiss her
So my heart will no longer hurt
But I have to let her go
Until the time comes
Figure out what’s next
As my body goes numb
Numb with the feelings
Of being left in this world
Wondering where my mom went
Why she left me here in the cold
I miss her so much
And all of those who died
All my friends and family
It just makes me want to hide
Hide away in the darkness
All by myself
And rock myself to sleep
And dream of something else
Dream of all the good things
That goes on in my life
Dream of all the bad things
That happened to my life
But I guess there is a reason
For all of this, I think
Maybe it is better
That there is a missing link
I will put all of this to rest
And stop wondering why
Just think about today
And the people I still have
Tell them how much I love them
Each and every day
And stop wondering about tomorrow
And what happens when we die
Because we all have a destiny
And only God knows why

If We Could Have You Back...

If we could have you back for just one day
There would be so many things we would like to say
If we could just be with you for one whole day
To have you close and know that you really are Okay.

If we had known that you would be gone forever
If we had known all those ties were going to be severed
If we had known the pain, the loss, and the ache
If we had known the difference without you would make.

In the darkness you slipped away from us all,
Now it's just your memories that we have to recall,
They say that parting is such sweet sorrow,
But it's the longing, the wondering, and how to cope with tomorrow.

They say that grieving a mum is the very worst
Cause life's plan is that the parents should go first.

Now all we have are memories, the good times that we had,
We spend so much time in tears, and pain and feeling sad,
So if we could have you back for just one day,
You could let us know, how to cope until that judgement day,
When we'll be together as a family once again,
When we'll all be happy and free from all this pain.

Oh ! it's so hard to live when your loved one has to die,
Then we spend our lifetime trying to say Goodbye!

Until Death Do Us Apart?

All right, I admit this title is a little heavy, but I did write it for a simple reason. I wanted to shake you awake. Is the the work you are doing at the moment making you happy? Whether you are employed in a secure job, working from home or running a corporate business empire it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel about what you do.
It’s a bit like being married, I guess. If the thought of waking up beside your wife or husband leaves you horrified, then it’s time for a divorce. What do you believe?
Sure, we can hang on for the sake of our kids, for the money, the perks but what happens when we wake up one day realizing we lost most of our “active years” to accepting less than acceptable terms?
Fact is, we spent about a fifth of our life at work, therefore dreading to go there would be a crime.
If we take an average of 40 years (350400 hours) to be our working life, with a 40 hour week (83200 hours) we actually work away some 23 percent of our life. This figure doesn’t factor in holidays since most of us actually work for longer than 40 years anyway, so it will balance out again. For many people this figure is actually way higher than this.
The so called modernized nations have become slaves to the system, working for bigger mortgages, more technology toys and a lot less fun than our ancestors had.
Do you really want to waste away 1/5 of your life by following the unhappy path? If not, then this is your wake up call!
I’m deadly serious (here we are again). Most people waste their lives away. Just look around you. How many friends, fellow workers, family members can you see complaining every day. They see nothing but the negatives and their main activities for the day is discussing their job or their neighbor.
Gossip is for poor minded people.
I like to share a quote with you, a quote I read many years ago. This has stayed with me for some 6 years now. It was actually this very quote or saying that changed my life for the better. Unfortunately, I can’t remember who quoted this, therefore please forgive my ignorance.
“Poor minds discuss others.
Average minds discuss events.
Great minds discuss ideas.”
I’m sure you are not average. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be a reader of this blog. Readers who stop by here want more from their lives. They are truly fed up with the mediocrities of life and want to find ways to aspire to better things.
You don’t have to accept the common road. The road others have traveled before and will continue to do so in the future.
It all starts with our habit to put things off. This is the worst inhibitor of people’s success.
Instead of complaining why not get active. Now! Not yesterday, not in 10 years, not when the kids finish college, not when you have saved enough to actually do it but without delay.
I challenge you to do it.
Does it always work? Of course not! However, I tell you what it does. By engaging a positive and proactive mind set, we activate our creative genius. This genius is responsible for finding alternative ways to aid us reach a target much faster than if we merely left things as they are.
If you hate your job, get out. If you hate your boss, find a new job or quit. If you can’t stand your life, change it.
You know, I personally wasted about 5 years of my life hating my job with such a passion it made me depressive and very cranky. The irony here is in reality, I’m a very happy and fun person to be around. Therefore, why did I waste all these years you might wonder.
I found many excuses as to why I couldn’t just quit my job. I basically lived in denial. Even so, if I’m totally honest with myself, I could have done this pretty much instantly. This is why I am so taken by my good friend approach to putting his mouth where his heart is. After experiencing some major upsets at his workplace, he finally pulled the plug and quit his job. What his, myself and many others have done is to ultimately follow our passion. Neither of us knew whether it would work out. Some still don’t know this. Nevertheless, I can bet my life on it that he is deliriously happy now. He followed his dream.
Are you willing to follow your dream, come hail or sunshine?
I’m sure most of you are aware that dreams do come with some burden. You could struggel with your discipline, fail your business or even become un-enchanted with it after some time.
Ultimately, regardless of your dreams you have to act now. Life is too short to miss out on all the fun. Every minute you wish for something to happen, your clock is ticking away, never to be in the same moment again. Just think about it...

Tiada ibu lain...just one and the only one..

last celebrate birthday of her...28th September 2007

last year pic...

also last year pic..

August 2008

August 2008

and the last memory with her...raya 2008...

16hb Oktober 2008 bersamaan 16 Syawal 1429H...perginya bonda tercinta ke hadrat Ilahi...

it is true dat cancer was a silent and number 1 killer..it really does.. nobody knows actually, how she got it..or mayb, she herself doesn't want anyone to know bout it....sigh

w/bgmanapn,pasrah is wat i can do for now... tiada sesiapa dpt melawan takdir Tuhan...

ajal,maut,jodoh semua di tanganNya..everybody i met, kept saying dat to me..yaaa,i know...

but sumtimes wut makes me sad is...memories with her... bkn org tau pn...

btw, semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas Allahyarhamah Fatimah Awang, bonda tercinta yg amat dirindui.... :(

Susah nk cari org camni...

Hari itu-selepas seminggu beraya dikampung, saya pulang ke K.Lumpur.Memikirkan highway PLUS sibuk, saya menyusuri laluan lama. Pekan pertamayang saya lintas ialah Teluk Intan.Terasa mengantuk, saya singgah sebentar disebuah restoran di pinggir pekanitu. Sebaik memesan makanan, seorang kanak-kanak lelaki - berusia lebihkurang 12 tahun muncul dihadapan.'Abang nak beli kuih ?' Katanya sambil tersenyum. Tangannya segera menyelakdaun pisang yang menjadi penutup bakul kuih jajaanya. "Tak apalah dik abgdah pesan makanan," jawap saya ringkas.Dia berlalu. Sebaik pesanan tiba, saya terus menikmatinya. Lebih kurang 20minit kemudian saya nampak kanak-kanak tadi menghampiri pelanggan lain,sepasang suami isteri agaknya. Mereka juga menolak, dia berlalu begitusaja."Abang dah makan, tak nak beli kuih saya?" katanya selamba semasamenghampiri meja saya. "Abg baru lepas makan dik, masih kenyang lagi ni,"kata saya sambil menepuk-nepuk perut.Dia beredar, tapi cuma setakat di kaki lima. Sampai disitu, di meletakkanbakulnya yang masih sarat. Setiap yang lalu ditanya... " Tak nak beli kuihsaya bang.. Pak cik... kakak atau makcik." Molek budi bahasanya !Mamak restoran itu pun tidak menghalang dia keluar masuk ke premisnyabertemu pelanggan. Sambil memerhati, terselit rasa kagum dan kasihan dihatisaya melihatkan betapa gigihnya dia berusaha.Tidak nampak langsung tanda-tanda putus asa dalam dirinya, sekalipun orangyang ditemuinya enggan membeli kuihnya. Selepas membayar harga makanan danminuman, saya terus beredar ke kereta. Kanak-kanak itu saya lihat beradaagak jauh di deretan kedai yang sama. Saya buka pintu , membetulkan dudukdan menutup pintu. Belum sempat saya menghidupkan enjin, kanak-kanak tadiberdiri di tepi kereta. Dia menghadiahkan sebuah senyuman.Saya turunkan cermin, membalas senyumanya. Saya lihat umurnya lebih kurang12 tahun. "Abg dah kenyang, tapi mungkin abg perlukan kuih saya untukadik-adik abang, ibu atau ayah abang. katanya petah sekali sambiltersenyum. Sekali lagi dia mempamerkan kuih dalam bakul dengan menyelakdaun pisang penutupnya.Saya tenung wajahnya, bersih dan bersahaja. Terpantul perasaan kesian dihati. Lantas saya buka dompet, dan menghulurkan sekeping not merah RM10.Saya hulurkan padanya. " Ambil ni dik! Abang sedekah... tak payah abangbeli kuih tu" saya berkata ikhlas kerana perasaan kesian meningkatmendadak.Kanak-kanak itu menerima wang tersebut, lantas mengucapkan terima kasihterus berjalan kembali ke kaki lima deretan kedai. Saya gembira dapatmembantunya.Setelah enjin kereta saya hidupkan, saya mengundur. Alangkah terperanjatnyasaya melihat kanak-kanak itu menghulurkan pula RM10 pemberian saya itukepada seorang pengemis yang buta kedua-dua matanya.Saya terkejut, lantas memberhentikan semula kereta, memanggil kanak-kanakitu. "Kenapa bang nak beli kuih ke?" tanyanya. "Kenapa adik berikan duitabg tadi pada pengemis tu ? Duit tu abg bagi adik!" kata saya tanpamenjawap pertanyaannya."Bang saya tak boleh ambil duit tu. Mak marah kalau dia dapat tahu sayamengemis. Kata mak kita mesti bekerja mencari nafkah kerana Allah berikantulang empat kerat pada saya. "Kalau dia tahu saya bawa duit sebanyak itupulang, sedangkan jualan masih banyak, mak pasti marah. Kata mak, mengemiskerja orang yang tak berupaya, saya masih kuat bang!" katanya begitulancar.Saya sebak, sekali gus kagum dengan pegangan hidup kanak-kanak itu. Tanpabanyak soal saya terus bertanya berapa semua harga kuih dalam bakul itu."Abg nak beli semua ke?" dia bertanya dan saya cuma ngangguk. Lidah sayakelu nak berkata. "RM25 saja bang.....! Selepas dia memasukkan satupersatu kuihnya kedalam plastik, saya hulurkan RM25. Dia mengucapkan terimakasih dan terus berlalu.Saya perhatikan dia sehingga hilang daripada pandangan. Dalam perjalanan keK.Lumpur, baru saya terfikir untuk bertanya statusnya. Anak yatim kah ??Siapakah wanita berhati mulia yang melahirknya ?? Terus terang sayakatakan, saya beli kuihnya bukan lagi atas dasar kesian, tetapi kerana rasakagum dengan sikapnya yang dapt menjadikan kerjayanya satu penghormatan.Sesungguhnya saya kagum dengan sikap kanak-kanak itu. Dia menyedarkan saya,siapa kita sebenarnya !!!

When 27th yrs passed....

In a blink..twenty seven years... ..what a gloomiest day ever, every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory, sometimes we had our ups and downs - but we're not anybody's mine I guess. And I'm going to break precedent, and tell you my one-candle wish -- that you would have a life as lucky as you can get with all your loved ones around, where you can wake up one morning and say "I don't want anything more". Twenty seven years- don't they go by in a blink?Multiply it by infinity and take it to the death of forever and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I am talking about.Everything reminds me of her-- there isn't a day goes by that I don't think about her-Even a second-- One day she was there,the next day she was gone. What am I going to do? -- I guess you've heard this a trillion times before. You could have put her under glass and I would have just stood and looked at her. But when she spoke -- I loved of her voice, her laugh, her nagging.. -- I couldn't get enough of her -- and gradually or maybe it wasn't gradually -- I realized I couldn't live without her.

Ma..I miss u :(